“I don’t eat pork.” -High Overlord Saurfang

He must get real hungry whenever he’s home in Orgrimmar, then, because most orcs don’t seem to eat much else. To say orcs appreciate porcs — sorry, pork – is like saying fish appreciate water; I’m sure if fish could speak, they would have a whole vocabulary for water, the particulates, the temperature, the sudden thrilling warmth of realizing you are downstream from someone’s al fresco micturation…

So goes the orcish fascination with swine. Contrary to myth, pig- and boar-meat is not a substitute for human meat (at least not for orcs; eating humans is more of a troll thing, and the price of good-quality human has gone up considerably since the Old Horde lost their war). Pigs have been the food of choice for orcs since they arrived on Azeroth and discovered that:

a) pigs will eat any old crap that’s lying around, so you can farm them in the middle of a war campaign waged largely in depleted land, and

b) the infusion of demonic ichor accomplished by Nerzhul’s warlocks left the prospect of, say, a nice salad, a trifle unsatisfying.

While the orcs of Durotar are no longer as bloodthirsty as they once were, they still regard vegetables and bread as strictly ornamental, a side dish at most. Orgrimmar has some great barbeques that now have things other than pork on the menu, but from Razor Hill to the Crossroads, having anything on your cooking table other than chunks of boar is considered a bit elven.

So keep in mind that, when dining in the orcish countryside, you’re better off just ordering “the regular”. Not only will this save you ribbings (and orcish ribbings are often broken ribbings, if you take my drift), but it will save you from being served whatever loaf and roots the host has lying around. Many of these will be past gifts from well-meaning Tauren who have smelled one too many Orcish latrine and are trying to intervene in the diet of their allies for public health reasons. They (the roots, not the Tauren) have probably been sitting there for months.

So, once you’ve resigned yourself – or more enthusiastically embraced the adventure of orcish life! – one of the finest options, that also gets you a party to travel with across the outback and into the eastern Barrens, is a swine-tasting tour.

Many of the swineyards (pronounced, if you’re an elf, SWIN-yurds) participate in these group tours, where travellers can stop and tour the mudpuddles that give each swine it’s local flavour (or gout de bou). They are then invited to sample a slice of bacon with some beer and appropriate herbs.

If they can catch the pig, first. What this look like, a nursery? I am not your den-mother. Go, run! Go! Get some of that soft city fat off you! If pig can out-run you, you don’t deserve bacon!

Your only alternative, really, is to go hunting and gathering, and cook meals yourself. Only, ha ha, guess what kind of wildlife roam the Durotar outback?

Go ahead, guess. Don’t be a spoilsport!

Did you say “boar”? Goddamnit.

Ya, it’s boar.

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