On the Green

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One problem with sightseeing in Azshara is deciding whether or not to hire a guide. Without a guide, it’s possible that you will inadvertently walk into a mine field, or be shot by elves. With a guide, you will have to cope with the twenty-four hour a day worry that they, too, may be trying to kill you. Well, not exactly trying. There is, after all, a strange innocence to the little bastards, a good-natured glow to their habit for either destroying everything in sight or turning it into an implement for destroying everything else. They don’t mean you any harm, per se, but if you happen not to survive the round of mortar-frisbee they arranged (at great expense) for you this afternoon, there’s no point in letting all that ground-chuck go to waste, is there? In your memory, they will offer buyers of the world-famous Taurenburger a one time special discount of five percent, not to be combined with any other offers, family members of the deliciously deceased ineligible.

My guide’s name is Mitzi, and today she informed me we are going to play “golf”.

“Golf” is a beautiful thing and I recommend it to anyone who has a few weeks to spare between bouts of trying to stop the world from literally falling apart at the seams. Like the Barrens, it is best experienced while intoxicated. Unlike the Barrens, you don’t have to get loaded before you set out, because they’ll bring the stuff out to you while you’re puzzling over the rules, or the short pants they make you wear.

Mitzi gets me up at the crack of ten by pushing me off the roof. Then, semi-conscious, I am loaded into a wheelbarrow and propelled by constructs to the rocket-station. I properly wake up around the time we stop to take in the sight of Trade Prince Galliwix’s looming visage being burned, chopped and carved out of the living rock. Shakily I make a pot of starfire coffee up under his vulpine grin, reflecting more kindly on dwarves; dwarves may put holes in all of my favourite hillsides but at least they don’t fill the thing with dwarf-shaped beanbags and then toss in dozens of bawling, terrified children to fend for themselves, perhaps by eating eachother. Goblins think this is a child-minding service well worth paying-for.

I am informed that the gentleman being memorialized forever in this manner acquired his high position in the Horde after trying to kill Thrall with a spider-tonk. Wait, what? I bought Thrall like five beers after the whole Wrath-gate thing, and gave him lady advice, and I get Garrosh riding my ass about how the Horde “doesn’t need healers”, and Galliwix gets to be head of the Horde goblins. This is… I mean… I … Im going to get drunk and hit something with a club.

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So we get up there. It’s about noon. It’s the greenest place in Azshara, and for a moment my heart melts. Those little bastards, I think fondly, they’ve been gathering rain-water in barrels, or they’ve tapped into the underground reaches of the Southfury, and all this lumber-clearing is just the first step to covering Azshara with lush green parkland. What a marvel!

No, it’s – it’s some kind of solidified oil product. Like, they took that tar that boils on the surface of Un’goro and cooked it into grass. Just the smell is giving me a headache; fortunately,Mitzi has lots of my medicine handy. I work my way through the trestle-full while she explains the rules of “golf” to me.

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Rule one is I hit this little ball with a club. Okay, I’m on board.

Rule two is I try to get the little ball in a little hole. Sure, whatever you say, Mitzi, this is all making a lot of sense to me. It’s like… ish like LIFE, y’know? We’re all, all just… jusht tryin’ to get our ballsh in… inna. hm.

Rule two is that if my ball falls into sand or water, I have to pay a forfeit which involves Mitzi paddling me with a wooden replica of Frostmourne.

Rule three is that if I take too many tries to get the ball in the hole, they release the Core Hounds. What – wait, were there two “rule twos” just now?

It goes on like this, I nod along. Actually, I really should have paid closer attention because rule fourteen or something involved teeing off a rocket sledge. That wasn’t really a problem; my motor skills improve with sufficient liquid encouragement.

The problem was trying to balance a dividend income portfolio with 5 pts up on prime in the split-bamboo pig-fence futures while doing it.

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Next: Blinded by Science and also by Burning Acid »

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 22nd, 2011 at 9:39 pm and is filed under Kalimdor, Travels. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

5 Responses to “On the Green”

  1. Orduin Says:

    It sounds like Azshara is off my holiday travel plans. I’ve been there briefly since the Goblins moved in; Hellscream had me running errands to get the air fleet ready to assault the Twilight Highlands. But I was mostly in the harbour, screaming at mechanics, swindlers, and AWOL grunts. It was alot like my times in Dalaran, really, come to think of it.

    I’m rotating back to Durotar, though. The Highlands drove me to the edge of my limits. I’ve seen things that I would deem impossible and I’ve been in battles like nothing on Northrend could prepare me for. Really, though, it was Deathwing himself looming over me, staring down at me like I was nothing, as I ran with a wounded high dragon away from him.

    Vol’jin’s done me the favor of putting me on low impact rotation. Witch Doctors are sending me to and from strongholds, but never for an entire day. I’ve moved into the Troll District in Ogrimmar. Maybe it’ll help.

  2. Tenthunders Says:

    Shomething… shomething like that happened… to me too, man… hic! It… it wash rough, but I wash too busy paying attention to the bum of the dragon I was eshcorting to really notish Deathwing… so… sho that’s something.

    It was a nice bum.

  3. Orduin Says:

    You were staring at Alexstraza’s ass?

    Smooth, my Shaman friend. Smooth.

  4. Machar Says:

    Will I see you at the Azshara Open this season, Ten? I look positively smashing in my new golf kilt.

  5. Arnius Says:

    I was in northeastern Kalimdor recently, honoring the elders I didn’t have time to visit last year. (What can I say — I like history. The Lucky Red Envelopes aren’t bad, either.) Of course, I looked around Azshara a bit on the way to and from Elder Skygleam (the pictures i’ve seen, great as they are, don’t do it justice). I skipped Gallywix’s place, though; golf’s not really my thing, and I imagine humans aren’t very welcome there anyway.

    I also got a chance to see the new Orgrimmar in person on my way up (the pictures don’t do it justice, either). As a lifelong architecture fan, I rather like the style of some of the newer buildings, sort of orcish-meets-vrykul. (I couldn’t stay long though, only just long enough to greet Elder Darkhorn.)

    By the way, do any Steamwheedle goblins sell that fake grass? Though it looks horribly tacky as a lawn, I think a small piece of it would make a good doormat if I ever settle down.

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