Pedestrian Crossings

History has shown* that cultures commonly derive judgments about status by dividing those who walk from those who ride. Those who ride, taming huge muscular beasts and stuffing them between their thighs (usually with some leather in between for protection), are the handsome, virile elite who chortle in the face of danger. Those who walk are more timid sorts, snuffling about in search of some peacebloom they can sell on the street for coppers a bouquet, hoping that their wide and tearful eyes will induce piteous charity in the passer-by.

Nature, at least for us natives of Kalimdor, has striven to drive home this difference in a rather cruel way. The Scourge may have created the Plague, but it was Nature who created The Barrens. Scientifically speaking, the Barrens are about as wide as Are We There Yet For Shit’s Sake, and as long from end to end as Cocksucker I Think We’re Going In Circles, Bastard!

After my travel journal entered the Barrens, I received some tear-spotted correspondence from readers of the pedestrian sort, claiming that I was being misleading by offering discount travel tips, only to ignore the unique situation of travelers who are really on a budget, not having murdered sufficient dwarves yet to afford civilized transportation. Well, what can I say, they are right. I have been very grievously short-sighted in this regard, and henceforth I will pledge myself anew to fulfilling the sacred vows I made when I began scribbling a cheap travel guide to get away from Mother for a few weeks.

What is the best way of traversing the Barrens on foot?

The best way of traversing the Barrens on foot is to do it while completely intoxicated. I recommend a mixture of two parts shaman’s Sapta, one part Kungaloosh, and three parts pineapple juice. The effect of this mixture, which I’ve taken the liberty of calling Ten Thunders’ Hoofrub, is to tear open the walls between this world and that of the spirits, and holy moly can the spirits throw a party. By the time you stumble into the Crossroads, your clothes in tatters and your money gone, three days will have passed, but – and this is the important part – you will not have noticed.

Is there anything worth seeing while traversing the Barrens on foot?

By the time you are halfway to your destination, I guarantee to you that anything – anything at all – will seem to you to be worth seeing. Trees. Rocks. Totem poles. Sacred Tauren cemetaries.

Please stay out of our sacred cemetaries. Thank you.

No, really, what kind of attractions are there?

You’re just adorable.

Well, if you watch this space, in the next week or so I’ll be going on a group retreat at a place called the Wailing Caverns Health Resort. I really don’t know if there’s anything in that name to recommend the place, but it comes very recommended by some trollish friends of mine. Well, not friends exactly. Maybe more like some guys I met at a bar. So watch this space.

There are some lovely oases here and there on the Barrens, filled with luscious fruits and clear, pure pools of water, but they are infested with centaurs. If you’ve never met a centaur, picture an orc with with the hindquarters of a horse and less personality. Their vocabulary consists of ARR, and GRARRH, and both words mean the same thing. Namely, they don’t like you. They don’t like anyone. They don’t like other centaurs.

Actually, you know what? I was wrong. There’s lots to do on foot in the barrens. Here, take this list. I need about 40 bunches of peacebloom, 20 centaur skins, 30 raptor fangs, and I want you to find a dead body somewhere between mile Oh Ancestors There’s More of It and I Swear We Passed That Mountain an Hour Ago.

Do that for me and we’ll see about getting you a ride.

*What I mean by this is that I made it up just now.

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This entry was posted on Monday, December 21st, 2009 at 9:53 am and is filed under Kalimdor, Travels. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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