You know, as far as the Horde goes, we moo-folk are fairly low on our blood-and-thunder quotient. The oral history of our people has its share of battles, for central Kalimdor has never been what you’d call generous in its bounty.
Listen to the following list of destinations and tell me if they make you think of lush vineyards and overflowing harvests:
The Valley of Trials
Desolace, for crying out loud. Hey, honey, load up the wagon, we’re moving to desolace. Let’s not let all those dead kodo go to waste! I’m not sure if this travel journal will ever cover Desolace, because just thinking about that place makes me depressed.
This engenders a certain martial attitude in the people who live there. But even coming from such a precarious background, most Tauren would rather just get along with their neighbours than be fighting all the time. Getting along means more time for fishing, chewing new kinds of grass, and napping.
But I’m going to talk about dwarves for two reasons. First, I feel that I have a duty to provide a broad range of advice and activities for travellers, including those who are more inclined to bloodsport in their hobbies.
Secondly, they keep putting holes in things and we would like them to stop.
We get it, they like rocks. We like rocks, too! Look, there are rocks all over the place. They’re waiting for someone to come along, and take them home, and love them. Why do they need to wreck up perfectly good hunting territory, or even a pretty view, to go looking for rocks?
So if you would like to spend some time during your travels picking up these funny-looking little bastards and drop-kicking them over a cliff, I am with you all the way. Here are some tips on where to find the best dwarves, what to look for in a likely dwarf, and the most expedient and hilarious ways of getting rid of them.
How do I find dwarves?
Follow the sound of picks, hammers, and flatulence. As I mentioned, dwarves like to dig, and they seem perversely fond of open-pit digs, the ugliest and loudest kind. If you are awakened from a good nap by the clanking and banging of people putting holes in mountains, you are probably on the right track.
More specifically, our route offers two excellent venues for dwarf-punting. The first is along the edge of western Mulgore halfway between the Bluff and Bloodhoof Village. These dwarves are particularly obnoxious because they seem to be trying to make a hole between Mulgore and – shudder – Desolace. They’ve left a long trail straight up the side of the mountain. Fortunately these ones are pretty soft and squishy. I think they send their stupidest offspring over to this site just so they don’t have to listen to them “Ach” and “Och” and “Uccch”.
The other good place for dwarf-hunting is off the route to Thousand Needles in the Southern Barrens. There’s actually a full-time warden that issues dwarf-hunting licenses, since punting them off of the tops of their own digs has become such a popular attraction that we decided we might as well make a buck off of it. He’s only one guy, and he can’t really stop you, but he’s a good sort so you should at least say hello to Gann Stonespire if you pass him by. This spot is more of an attraction because it features a real dwarven castle of sorts, next to a deep pit, so if you can get them up to the roof and punt them off they’ll fall for ages.
How do I know I’ve found a dwarf?
They look like an elf, but tiny and fat and with a lot more hair. And they say “Ach” and “Och” and “Uccch”. They have long beards and appear to come in only one gender. Of course, people say that about Tauren, so who can tell?
What do I do when I’ve found one?
Get one of your friends to rile up a bunch of them so they form a mob. Go bowling with big rocks.
Grab one by the beard and swing them around so they knock a lot of the others flying.
Take one to the top of one of the blasted holes they put in everything and punt them off.
Sit on them.
The possibilities are endless, and people tend to pay good bounties for shutting up all that clanking and banging. Particularly if they’ve just eaten a fine patch of sungrass and are settling down for a nap.Next: Special Edition: Dances with Elevators Pictorial »