Archive for December, 2009
Hi there! I have just received the proofs for some “spasmo” as I have taken to calling it, being hip with the technology, from my first piece on Thunder Bluff and her marvellous elevators. I’m going to slip these into the first issue on reprint and pretend they were there all along, but for those cheapskates among you who don’t want to re-purchase the inaugural copy of this journal, I’m also including them here!
Big Thanks to Guildfolk who came out for this shoot: Chapka the orc, Hauvashea the Tauren lady, Lucindrielle the Blood Elf lady, The Pimpest Troll on the Planet, and Mr. Goggles the Tauren gentleman. If you are either of these latter two, please remind me of your names because I’m a fool and have forgotten!
You know, as far as the Horde goes, we moo-folk are fairly low on our blood-and-thunder quotient. The oral history of our people has its share of battles, for central Kalimdor has never been what you’d call generous in its bounty.
Listen to the following list of destinations and tell me if they make you think of lush vineyards and overflowing harvests:
The Valley of Trials
Desolace, for crying out loud. Hey, honey, load up the wagon, we’re moving to desolace. Let’s not let all those dead kodo go to waste! I’m not sure if this travel journal will ever cover Desolace, because just thinking about that place makes me depressed.[…]
Well, a merry Winter’s Veil to all of you. If I don’t seem quite up to the requisite level of holiday cheer, it’s probably because I’ve been had. My advice to you is to research thoroughly all discount travel packages you are offered before jumping on board, no matter how stringent the deadline the agent impresses upon you.
I do NOT recommend the Wailing Caverns Spa and Health Resort for your winter getaway. I expect the spasmodiary, as I have taken to calling the catalogues of goblin imaging, that follows will more than adequately explain the abysmal rating I have given it, and which it richly deserves.
And I wish to restate, for the record, that I am not in the habit of punching elves, but it had to be done.[…]
History has shown* that cultures commonly derive judgements about status by dividing those who walk from those who ride. Those who ride, taming huge muscular beasts and stuffing them between their thighs (usually with some leather in between for protection), are the handsome, virile elite who chortle in the face of danger. Those who walk are more timid sorts, snuffling about in search of some peacebloom they can sell on the street for coppers a bouquet, hoping that their wide and tearful eyes will induce piteous charity in the passer-by.
Nature, at least for us natives of Kalimdor, has striven to drive home this difference in a rather cruel way. The Scourge may have created the Plague, but it was Nature who created The Barrens. […]
I can tell from here that you are a clever and perspecacious member of the Horde. After all, you are reading this journal. I wager that not only do you enjoy a commitment to Victory or Death, but you also know the difference between them! If you don’t, well, you may still be chief Garrosh and thus be tough enough to get away with doing very silly things.
However, for the rest of you, I hope you will take this wisdom to heart: if your Tauren hunting guide tells you not to poke the Silithid hive with a stick, you really ought not to poke the Silithid hive with a stick. You may have grown up poking all manner of things that look like Silithid nests. Perhaps you played with scorpions in your carefree youth in Durotar, letting them sting you over and over to see if you could impress that troll girl with the long red hair. Perhaps you are a troll and are thus in the habit of eating the most bizarre and poisonous things you can find in the hopes of discovering a novel aphrodesiac. To a lot of us Hordies, elves excepted, rolling around in poisonous insects is more or less like a day at the beach, especially since the humans have built castles all over our beaches and we can’t get to them.
Maybe we could get them to take up poking silithids with sticks. […]
We got lots of gifts from the Earth Mother and the ancestors, but the first of all of them was the wind. When you get out onto the plains you’ll get to know it real well, because one way or another it’s going all the time. You’ll have to learn to speak during the pauses, and until you learn to gauge its changes you are in for some some entertaining adventures in al fresco urination. The winds of Mulgore will speak to you while you sleep, if you camp out in the open, telling you the tales of our people and those that went before.
Listening for the wind and its changes is something we moo-folk do a lot, which is the second thing you’ll have to understand while travelling through our lands, if you don’t want to go crazy. I’ll illustrate this by sharing with you how you rent a kodo for your ride from Thunder Bluff to Bloodhoof. […]
There’s something you need to understand about my people, and that’s that we have lived for a very long time in flat places. The idea of something that moves up and down rather than side-to-side is pretty exciting for us.
So when we started gathering together in larger camps, and learning about engineering from the goblins and orcs, pretty much the first thing we built was an elevator.
It was a hit. Up until then the most exciting view we could manage was climbing the totem pole when granny the fire-keeper wasn’t looking. Now we could see for, oh gosh, a couple of fields at least!
The elders weren’t at all sure if looking at more than one field of grass at a time was entirely within the Tauren national spirit, but the goblins told us that nothing can stop the Spirit of Progress. So while a lot of the elder Tauren went off to look for the Spirit of Progress and give it a good thrashing about the ears, the rest of us started building elevators everywhere we could find room. […]